"The look"

Friends and family, it's been a little bit harder this time.  It's to be expected, it's a cumulative effect.  But it's also a little more than just the shock waves from the chemo treatment.  It's just been...harder somehow. It doesn't help that the fatigue is piling up or that the twinges of nausea are atill hanging around.  Extreme smell sensitivity is coming up too, causing for embarrassing gagging situations in public.  Forget about public restrooms--that's just not happening!  These things certainly don't make me feel much better.  But it's also the physical tolls.  Where my vanity is getting a big ol' beat down.  My hair hasn't entirely fallen out, but it's mainly gone.  However there are rather unattractive and irritating patches of hair. When I touch it, the remaining tiny hairs fall out like miniature Christmas tree needles. My skin is very clear but also has that pale pallor. My already thin eyebrows and lashes are starting to go. And my eyes sometimes water so much as a result of the chemo that wearing a shield of make up isn't always an option.

It didn't help that a well-meaning store clerk guessed that I was fighting cancer the other day, despite the fact that I was in my wig and tryingt to be inconspicuous.  She told me she was able to tell because she's very familiar with "the look"....which stunned me because I didn't realize I was starting to look cancer-y just yet.  But I guess "the look" is part of the territory and something to adjust to in the meantime.

Nonetheless, I haven't been throwing a constant pity party. I just can't do that. There have been so many silver linings this week, and I have heard so much love and encouragement from so many of you, family and friends, old and new.  And I had the greatest epiphany of just how lucky I am to be alive, to have access to the treatment I do, and the amazing support network of people praying for and rallying around me.  This epiphany occurred while I was walking through HEB. I must have looked slightly insane, grinning so big while I was pushing my cart through the yogurt section! My eyes were likely watering so I probably looked downright bizarre. Crazy lady in aisle 9!

This too shall pass.  I am only human, and will allow myself to experience the full range of feelings as I move through this part of my life.  I'm certainly learning and growing, but it's not always easy.  It isn't supposed to be.

Silver linings: visiting with so many wonderful friends, including my two newest friends, Kathleen and Suzi, who are going through treatment right now for BC as well; time spent with family; wonderful meals; beautiful spring weather that helps my spirits so very much; a little retail therapy; visiting Reese's school to watch her perform a Frozen song for her class

Upcoming linings: going to an American Cancer Society class today with Suzi that's part of the Look Good, Feel Better campaign that will help us figure out how to mitigate said "look", going to Reese's school to help in the tech lab, and a fun weekend without many plans

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!